A Student's Life 4
Picture the scene my friends: the flat is quiet, I sit supping a cup of coffee in a few minutes of calm reflection while Anil sets about on his near daily ritual of making himself a cup of tea in a bowl using a knife as a spoon as he can't be bothered to wash up. The flat is at peace and even John's sound system is silent in this most tranquil and peaceful of times, the morning. Times like these come few and far between in flat 63 what with the 24-hour lifestyle we all seem to live, so Anil and I content ourselves in the mutual companionship of our own silence. Nothing can ruin this temporary oasis of calm. Nothing...
Nothing that is save that most chilling of sounds that suddenly erupts from Jack's room and sends an involuntary shiver down my spine even as I sit here writing this article.
"OH MY GOSH!"
Yes my friends you guessed it. The Americans have invaded 63 and to make matters worse they are Americans of the worst kind; they are young, they are female, and they come from Philadelphia. (Readers should note that up to this point in my life I have only ever known Philli' to be the home of the amazing Fresh Prince, but it turns out apparently there's a whole other side the Philli' that I have been living blissfully unaware of for the past twenty-two years of my short but eventful life.)
According to the official visitor website Philadelphia is ‘Famous as the birthplace of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.' Apparently it is also the birthplace of the most teeth-aching high pitched voices on the planet. Not content with spreading their evil franchises and corporations around the globe they have the audacity to invade flat 63, and in the process almost start a civil war as for three nights the kitchen became a testosterone filled pit of certain male flat members jostling for position as alpha-male in front of the preening excitable females. It was a mating dance that would have made David Attenborough proud.
It was enough to drive anyone insane!
Talking about insane (see what I did with the link there!), an air of insanity has come over the flat in recent weeks. Not only has Dave openly admitted to us that he's considering getting his ass-crack waxed ‘just for the experience' but he's also turned into a dirty hobo in the process. It was 10:30am the other day when Dave stumbled into the flat, my good self having been pestered by his girlfriend all morning to look out for him as he was apparently drunk, lost and confused somewhere in central London. According to Dave he was also violently sick all over a load of seats on the tube. Which line this happened to be on he wouldn't tell me, but needless to say I wouldn't advise any of you to sit down in the near future. I mean if Dave of all people can do something like that then just think what other people might be like... It doesn't bear thinking about.
But Dave's sudden loss of all sanity and good manners was not the biggest shock I had this week. Oh, no! As regular readers of my little column will be aware, Nathan (who lives in the room opposite me) has been going through a bit of a Spice Girl phase of late and has in the process covered his door in all manner of Spice Girls pictures. Not content with scaring the life out of me with full colour pictures of Geri Halliwell every morning, I arrived home one day this week to find Nathan had taken things one step further with his door.
"What did you find?" I hear ye all ask. Well my friends in all honesty the truth of the matter is rather disturbing. Having just got in from a four hour train journey from sunny Ramsgate I arrived to find the semi-naked pictures of someone called Phil Oliver arranged in a neat box around the said Miss Halliwell all staring somewhat longingly at me in all manner of disturbing poses. Needless to say I nearly fell over in shock, though whether this was due to my needlessly long journey, or the look in Mr January's eyes, I'm not quite sure.
In something of a surreal moment the other night, half the flat found themselves gathered round Nathan's door at some obscene hour in the morning having a debate over which picture was our favourite and which was our least favourite! For the record, personally I'm not a fan of middle and bottom left, and by mutual consent most people like top right best. Nathan likes top right too, but has something of a liking for top middle as well because ‘he's so happy'. Don't ask... just don't ask...